Doing the best we can

… NOT when they WANT to… One of my favorite concepts to keep in mind during all my interactions, especially with kids, and especially with kids who struggle with neurodevelopmental differences. Kids aim to please. Despite the stronghold idea much of our society has on willful and intentional oppositional or malicious behavior, children really do not wake up in the morning with volitional plans to create suffering for others. And if this ever is a thing… that process in itself originates from a mismatch of poor skills and abilities with too many expectations to meet.

While shifting into the mindset of can versus want, it can seem somewhat natural in our exchanges with those who have obvious disabilities, such as a wheelchair, hearing aid or even a hidden insulin pump. This perspective is not as reflexive when we do not see the disability however. And it can become difficult to hold onto in the midst of a meltdown or what is considered, defiant, behavior. In order for us to truly connect, and therefore help meet children where they are, we need to recognize what skills they have at the moment – this year, this day, this minute. Chronological age can be a useful marker for many things in development, however if we presume social, emotional and cognitive competencies based solely on an age, many children will fall off the mark. It is imperative to entertain the child’s skills and abilities, beyond what their same aged peers may demonstrate. Likewise, it is critical to take note of biological and environmental factors that can influence their abilities.

Kids do well when they can.

-Dr. Ross Greene

A comprehensive view of what the child can do, what the child can manage within their unique make up and life, will give us more insight to answer the WHY in their behavior. And thinking of that question is the first step into connecting and meeting them.

Remember to time out yourself, to tune into your kid.